I have always liked the saying, "don't cross that bridge until you get there". I always thought it meant to not worry about things that had not yet happened. Now I think it also has another meaning.
I crossed another bridge in this grief journey that I did not even know existed. I have wondered how long I will go through this raw part of the grief process - the feeling guilty about maybe I should have done more and the missing Mom when I least expect. Tears can come for no reason. Anger is often close to the surface. Sometimes I am short with people about all this stuff that has to be done with settling the estate. At times it seems like one puzzle piece after another that has to fit or be made to fit or tossed or whatever. At times it has seemed endless. I know that grief takes time and is different for everyone. Just like I know she lived a long, good life. But it has felt so heavy and when I get to a place where things should start to lighten, nothing changes. That heavy, cold weight is still there.
While walking this morning I realized that I need to move through this part. I am stuck here. Most of the estate stuff is done with only a few things that will need to be finished as the time comes. So I need to move forward more forcefully. I need to cross that bridge and I didn't even know there was a bridge to cross here. I thought it would just ebb away. I need to push myself across the bridge that moves me beyond all of the sorrow, the sadness, the anger, and move forward to a place where I can miss her and remember and cry at times. But I need to cross the bridge to light and joy and peace and memories and warmth and life.
I can see that bridge and today I am starting across.
Here are a couple more pictures from my work from the past.