Good day . . . big birthday.

Today is my 70th birthday . . . a big one!  I am just so glad I made it to this point and so thankful!  We had brunch out with my son and his family.  Always good!

Yesterday I was in my studio and I turned around and saw this on my design wall.  It looked so good to me just to see it just like this.

I am getting ready to do some quilting on this one - may do it on my regular sewing machine as I have longarm full.  I want to do a little quilting and some hand embroidery.  I might just do the quilting by hand as well.  It is kind of reverse applique.  

It is a great day!

And . . .

Yes - it was a good trip - the trip to Fort Benton with our friends.  We found lot of new information about her grandfather.  We stopped in Great Falls to order a stone for her grandfather's grave and saw mom's stone that is ready to be transported to Fort Benton and set in a week or two.

Our dinner was great experience - slow, good food, great wine, wonderful conversation - far away. The old hotel is beautiful but very crooked from years of slowly sinking.

Tonight I watched the Bruce Jenner special on his transition.  The main thing I came away with was his courage to make this massive life change at 65.  I will be 70 in 2 days.  I was inspired to really refocus on getting on with some of my dreams.  There is time.  The time is always right to be who we are.  I commend him and appreciate that he shared his journey.

While in Fort Benton, we went to the courthouse.  For years I thought it a shame that someone had "redone" the windows to accommodate a dropped ceiling inside.  They blocked out the upper part of the window.  It just looked awful.  Today I noticed the windows had all been redone - sometime - not sure when in the past decade or so - and those ugly blocked windows were gone.  Good news.

Here is what I remembered. . .

This is what I noticed today - looks much better . . . The brick color is actually closer to the picture above.  

We also had a question about the old bridge and whether or not it had a pivot for the boats to go under.  I didn't remember that it ever did.  It is a walk bridge now.  I found that the pivot section was damaged in a flood in the 1920's and was replaced with a non-moving piece.  

I learned a lot about my birthplace.  Good trip.

ups and downs . . .

It seems like two steps forward, one step back, one step forward, two steps back - and all without music.  It is a strange dance.  Some good days and some not so good.  It seems to just be the way it goes - from those who know.  And then I hear from others who know that it is different in every situation and for everyone.  Who knows?

So I have been doing a little sewing, a little quilting, a little visiting and a little crying.  Some planned and some not.   But, I have been able to get 2 days together  - in a row - without anxiety attacks and all that goes with it.  And I have done that several times this month.

I have always believe that the journey is the reward.  But these past few months I have wondered why we have to take the journey at all.  That little bit of darkness is leaving and I can start to anticipate - and enjoy - the journey.

Tomorrow we are going to head to Fort Benton - town where I was born.  I lived on a farm about 25 miles away until I was 12 and go back once in a while.  We have friends who are looking for some information on a grandfather buried in the cemetery there but there is no marker.   I know something about that cemetery - go most every year - and all family is buried there.  Our friends wanted us to help them and go along.  So we are doing that.

My 70th birthday is Sunday and Bob and I were talking about going somewhere for an overnight. We are celebrating with family on Sunday.  But we thought it would be good for to just have a little get away.  We never even thought about Fort Benton but that is how it has worked out.  And we will be staying at the old, beautifully refurbished "Grand Union Hotel".  I think it is going to be a fun trip. And I know Mom and Dad will be with me in love and spirit.

Snow day . . .

Very little snow all winter - hardly any since early January.  We had one of those wonderful winters - warm and welcome as my heart felt cold at times.

But it has been dry - way too dry!  This morning we woke to this.

The robin was all puffed up to stay warm.  Beautiful - kind of welcome - know it won't last long.  Quite different than when it is in October and we know there can be months ahead.  Just knowing it is mid April helps me appreciate the beauty.

Had our art quilters group meeting today.  Sometimes it is a difficult meeting with little to inspire. We have been working on a theme for a next project.  Today the mix of those there was perfect for a very exciting happening.  One of our members has done a lot with creating through consensus and she led our discussion today.  It was magic.  Everyone participated in the sharing of thoughts and dreams and everyone felt comfortable doing so.  Sometimes the right mix makes all the difference.  I am excited and looking forward.

Our son and his family have decided not to move out here in June so we can travel in the motorhome for the net 8 or 9 months.  It was going to also help them out as they could live free out here for the many months while their house was being built and we could travel with the comfort of knowing the house was loved and cared for.  Sometimes things don't work out.  We are perplexed but going to stay positive and flexible.  We just hope all is ok with them.  I have to keep reminding myself that it is not in my hands.  

Throwing down the hot coals. . .

Today was a sunshine day.

I woke at 4:30 and got up soon after feeling full of energy.  I knew what I had to do.  I had to make things work for me in relation to my sons and some kind of dollars from my parents estate even though nothing formal was written for them.  Made the decision - load lifted - clouds parted - well as soon as the sun came up anyway.  And - as soon as the bank opened, I did what I needed to do.  It was the right thing.

Then I came across the following quote:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."  Buddha

So I quickly sat down with some black card stock and cut out lots of coal shaped pieces.  I then wrote on each of a dozen or so the things for which I am angry regarding Mom's passing and some other related events from the past few years.  I read each one out loud and threw it on the floor.  I did that several times in different parts of the house.  It was amazing.

Today is also Sibling Day so I found this old - maybe 1959 - photo of my brother John and I with our then baby sister, Stacey.  It is a fun picture and I am glad I found it to celebrate my love for my siblings. 

Throwing down the hot coals was a great move forward.

Went in the ditch - but now I am traveling on the road again.

Boy - this weekend I went in the ditch big time.  Things had been going along pretty smoothly and then bam - just hit the darkness hard.  Going to our son's for Easter helped - hard to stay in the ditch with loving family and those two young men who are grandsons.

Yesterday and today I have been focusing on each hour - make sure each hour is positive.  I am doing something each hour that makes me feel good about work to be done and fun to be enjoyed.  I have had more time in my studio which is always a help.  

Is it the "grieving process"?  I suspect it is a part of it that I had not expected.  It kind of feels like Mom has died and now it is my turn to get ready to pass.  Really a strange feeling but once I put it into words, it is easier to deal with.  Who knows how many years they have left to love and enjoy but those left for me will be good even if difficult things happen.  It is a hard feeling to put into words and may well be a normal part of grieving at my age when a parent passes.  

We are going to get away for a couple days later in the week and I know that will also help.  It will get better.