Tuesday, February 17, 2015

And then the understanding came . . .

It was a really tough day again - couldn't sleep last night - just couldn't figure it out.  I drove past the senior living complex where Mom lived when I went into town yesterday afternoon.  It just was so hard and I started to cry.  I wanted to turn in - go get her mail - and see her for a bit.  Hard to realize she would never be there again - never again.

This morning I got up struggling.  Then my brother sent me an email wondering about his money.  I was so hurt.  He couldn't say "hi - how are you doing?"  He couldn't say, "I am missing Mom as well."  He couldn't say anything, but "what is up with my money?"  The money was all in a trust account and ready for the major distribution to beneficiaries.  I just handn't done it on Friday.

Then I realized. I was stalling.  Once the funds are disbursed, Mom would really be gone.  Mom and Dad would really be gone.  So I had to walk through another stage of this grief thing.  I was not prepared and angry and scared.

But here it is at the end of the day and I did walk through it and I am on the other side of this unknown.  I am sure more will come.  But for today, I have walked through and that part is behind me.  The funds are disbursed.

Here are a couple more pictures of some old work - getting closer to getting back to that creative place.  It will come .  .  .  .  .

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