Resilient . . .

Resilient.    I want to know when to bend, when to stretch, when to bounce, when to laugh, when to cry.  It comes from within.  Resilient.

I have been worried about not being strong enough and even critical of myself.  This morning I realized it is not about being strong because there are times I am not strong and I don't want to be strong.

Bob is coming home today and that is good.  I have learned a bunch in the last couple days and that is good.  Now to continue down this path for a while and let go of the feeling that I need to travel that tough, strong road.  Resilient.

Here are a couple pics from the past . . .

Home by the fire . . .

It is so cold outside.  Single digits and a cold wind.  I feel chilled to the bone.

Bob had shoulder replacement surgery this morning early.  We had to be at the hospital at 5 am.  All went well and he is doing great.  There is a nerve block still in place so the pain is minimal at this time, but that will change when they remove that tomorrow.  I was there all day.

I got so cold at the hospital in his room.  There are corner windows where the visitor chair is.  I have been trying to get warm since getting home a bit ago.  I am heading to bed early as there wasn't much sleep last night between the nerves and the early rising hour.

So for now - I am home by the fire - and getting warm.

Quick trip to Billings . . .

Today we went on a quick trip to Billings so Bob could get his 3 month checkup following his carotid surgery in December.  It was all good!  Now he is ready for the next surgery - getting that shoulder replaced this Thursday.

We did a little shopping here and there and decided to stop and walk through the new Scheels store. It is huge.  It is all about clothing and all kinds of sporting goods. Two full floors and a huge center atrium.  This beautiful aquarium is near the front of the store as you come in.

Then if you turn 180 degrees behind you from looking at the aquarium you see the bottom of a ferris wheel in the center atrium - plus lots of clothes and shoes and all kind of sporting goods.

It really is a huge ferris wheel which you can ride.  We didn't.   But here is what it looks like standing under it and looking up.  Amazing.  In addition the store is filled with realistic displays of all kinds of wildlife.  And there are a couple animated statues - one of Thomas Jefferson and one of Abraham Lincoln - shades of Epcot Center.

It was a good day even though it was cold and really, really windy.  We have been spoiled by a very nice winter but it sounds like we are now in for more typical temps for a while.  Oh,  well - whatever - might as well enjoy it as there is nothing one can do about it.

Crossing that bridge . . .

I have always liked the saying, "don't cross that bridge until you get there".  I always thought it meant to not worry about things that had not yet happened.  Now I think it also has another meaning.

I crossed another bridge in this grief journey that I did not even know existed.  I have wondered how long I will go through this raw part of the grief process - the feeling guilty about maybe I should have done more and the missing Mom when I least expect.  Tears can come for no reason.  Anger is often close to the surface.  Sometimes I am short with people about all this stuff that has to be done with settling the estate. At times it seems like one puzzle piece after another that has to fit or be made to fit or tossed or whatever.  At times it has seemed endless.  I know that grief takes time and is different for everyone.  Just like I know she lived a long, good life.  But it has felt so heavy and when I get to a place where things should start to lighten, nothing changes.  That heavy, cold weight is still there.

While walking this morning I realized that I need to move through this part.  I am stuck here.  Most of the estate stuff is done with only a few things that will need to be finished as the time comes.  So I need to move forward more forcefully.  I need to cross that bridge and I didn't even know there was a bridge to cross here.  I thought it would just ebb away.  I need to push myself across the bridge that moves me beyond all of the sorrow, the sadness, the anger, and move forward to a place where I can miss her and remember and cry at times.  But I need to cross the bridge to light and joy and peace and memories and warmth and life.

I can see that bridge and today I am starting across.

Here are a couple more pictures from my work from the past.

And then the understanding came . . .

It was a really tough day again - couldn't sleep last night - just couldn't figure it out.  I drove past the senior living complex where Mom lived when I went into town yesterday afternoon.  It just was so hard and I started to cry.  I wanted to turn in - go get her mail - and see her for a bit.  Hard to realize she would never be there again - never again.

This morning I got up struggling.  Then my brother sent me an email wondering about his money.  I was so hurt.  He couldn't say "hi - how are you doing?"  He couldn't say, "I am missing Mom as well."  He couldn't say anything, but "what is up with my money?"  The money was all in a trust account and ready for the major distribution to beneficiaries.  I just handn't done it on Friday.

Then I realized. I was stalling.  Once the funds are disbursed, Mom would really be gone.  Mom and Dad would really be gone.  So I had to walk through another stage of this grief thing.  I was not prepared and angry and scared.

But here it is at the end of the day and I did walk through it and I am on the other side of this unknown.  I am sure more will come.  But for today, I have walked through and that part is behind me.  The funds are disbursed.

Here are a couple more pictures of some old work - getting closer to getting back to that creative place.  It will come .  .  .  .  .

Tried to skip a week. . .

Not sure what is going on with me.  Last night we had a wonderful dinner out with friends to celebrate Valentines Day.  And I know that Valentines Day is on February 14th.  This morning I woke early with lots of inspiration about a project I want to do.  A quilting project about the year following Mom's death.  It just came to me.  A quilt each month - 15 x 15 in size.  Showing what I am feeling, doing, where I am going.  Capture the time with fabric and thread.  So I got up quickly and headed to my studio to do some drawing and get some notes down while the thinking was fresh.

And I thought it was February 22 - really thought it was February 22.  Wrote that day on all my journal pages with the notes and sketches.  Studied the calendar and looked at the 22nd thinking it was today.

I was feeling rushed to get to church as I like to go and want to get there at least a couple times each month.  I really like going to church - like the love and answers that come to me there.  But I don't go every Sunday and I am ok with that.  Some Sundays we take long road trips and some Sundays Bob likes to go out for a long breakfast and some Sundays I like to be lazy.  But I thought it was the 22nd and I really wanted to get to church for the last Sunday in February.

Then just like a warm wind it came to me as I am feeling a bit of push to get my breakfast done and get my coffee and get ready.  Today is February 15th.  A gift of another week.  A gift of another day. A gift of time.  Wonderful blessing of more time.  Thank you so much.

And . . . sharing more from the past.  Here are a couple pictures of Centennial Sky.  I quilted this for a friend from Centennial, Colorado a few years back.  Today I am going to quilt.

Happy Valentines Day!

More from the past.  Here is the only Valentine quilt I have ever made.  I did it a few years back for my granddaughter, Meagan.  It had red soft "minkee" type fabric for the backing.  It was fun to do and I love the orange, pinks and reds together.  It was very cuddly!

The quilting was nothing special but quick and fun.  It was quick because I was already late in getting it to her.  Of course I remember that as it seems to be the story of my life.

Work is going along on the estate stuff.  Hopefully after this week most of the messy, negotiating stuff will be done and things will get easier.  

We are thinking of making a wild, crazy decision.  More on that later.  Or not if we don't move in that direction.   

Bob has his shoulder replacement surgery two weeks from today on February 26th.  We are going through all the necessary pre-doctor appointments and getting everything in place for the 2 or 3 month recovery.  

See you soon!

Good Day . . .

The weather here is amazing!  We have had several days of 50 degrees and it looks like there will be more.  Hard to believe it is February in Montana.  But we are well aware that it could change and we can still have some pretty stiff winter.

This morning as we came back from our walk I noticed that the weeds are growing by the gate.  This dirt was brought in there last fall and now it has some new weeds.  I continue to be amazed.

Had some great soup today for lunch.  I haven't been cooking much from scratch.  Too many other things to do and sometimes I am in the dumps.  But we bought these two kinds of soup at Costco.  Add some turkey kielbasa and mix one container of each.  Wow!  It is so good!  It might be my new favorite soup.  Smooth, tomato flavor with lots of healthy veggies and quinoa.  

And one last picture of some throwback fiber creating.  This is a quilt I made a few  years back from recycled sweaters that I washed.  Some nice beads and so much fun to do.  I feel the creative urge a bit - like an ember - maybe it will start to flame again soon.

Nothing in the studio happenin'

No work that is . . . several sewing machine type things just sitting and waiting,  but they don't work by themselves.

I am planning to get back in there, but have had a few busy days.  Today I woke early, early - like at 4 am and got started creating a spreadsheet to show all of estate settlement activity.  I needed to do that as I feel much better already.  It feels like I know what is going on and that is good.   There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  As the saying goes, I just hope it is not a freight train.

Feeling much better and no more episodes in the ditch.  Sadness, but also joy in having Mom here until she was 93+.

Since I am not working on anything new, I decided to post a picture of a project I did some time back.  Kind of "fiber throwback day".  It is an image of me, head bowed, hole in my heart.  Lot os quilting and some sparkle.  I am not sure where I was when I did it but it fits sometimes now.  It is a mixed up time of passion, fire, sadness, grief.  I had no idea.