Thursday, January 29, 2015

Strange days . . .

Monday was a tough day - not sure why - things felt so heavy and unwieldy.  Then Tuesday I was up, up and away.  Like two different planets.  Wednesday - woke up struggling - movement was hard, tears were right at the surface and made lots of dumb mistakes.  It was our anniversary so we went out with friends for dinner.  More tears, some laughter, and alcohol.  And today - neutral day - not up and not down.

Bob takes the brunt of these mood swings - but he handles it well.  Then he reminds me that it is tough and I will get through it.

Here is a good quote that fits - well kind of - maybe - might -

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

Some days I am just plain in the gutter with this.  

My gutter crawling, squalling days are directly connected to the 10 days that Mom was dying.  I totally understand that she was 93 - had a good life - enjoyed her last year and a half - had an interesting journey - had wonderful children - sure I know all of that - especially the last part.

BUT - I get thrown right back into those 10 days - waiting - knowing she was in there dying - knowing she was not wanting to die - holding her hand - reading to her from her bible - playing her favorite music - and all the while knowing there was nothing I could do - nothing.  It just dumps on me like a pile of shit - right into the gutter I go.

I am ready to move on - hope that my brain is ready every day - maybe not.

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